What is your current profession?
I am Founder and President of Bully Free Systems, LLC. I am also an ordained minister. My wife and I help schools prevent and stop bullying. She and I have written books and developed resources included in our program, The Bully Free Program that has been adopted around the United States. We are also involved in some international work. Bullying is has gripped the hearts of people around the world.
Why is bullying such an important cause for you?
Our son, Curtis, was bullied in 7th grade and in high school. Bullying contributed to his depression and anxiety and his need to turn to drugs at the age of 23. He took METH to release the pain of mistreatment and it killed him. He did not commit suicide. He had his car keys in his hand, trying to go for help. His life has been our inspiration. Preventing and stopping bullying in all environments is our mission and calling. My wife and I have formed a company, Bully Free Systems, LLC and receive almost daily requests. Visit our website www.bullyfree.com.
I speak to thousands of students, parents, school personnel, school resource officers, and others each month. I am the author of several books on bullying that make up our program, The Bully Free Program that is adopted around the United States. Our materials are also used in other countries. My first book, The Bully Free Classroom is now in ten languages. We recently completed a speaking tour in Portugal. The speaking triggered an interest in the former first lady of Portugal to fund a national campaign against bullying. We have also made television appearances and our work has been featured in USA Today, USA Weekend, Time for Kids, and Newsweek for Teens, and many other national magazines and journals.
How many people do you believe are affected by bullying?
It varies from school to school. The rule of thumb is 20% or more are bullied in every school. I have been in some schools where almost 50% of the students were victims. Most people don’t understand what bullying includes. It is behavior that is designed to intentionally hurt someone, physically or psychologically, and it is persistent (repeated). There is often a power imbalance, either physical or psychological power on the victim. It can be direct (physical and verbal) or indirect (social). Cyberbullying is now the newest form of bullying. Males and females bully. Females are more social in their bullying. They seek to manipulate relationships, destroy relationships, spread rumors and lies, socially exclude others and much more.
In your opinion, what role, if any, did bullying play in the Virginia Tech massacre?
Seung-Hui Cho was said to have been bullied in High School. This is information has been minimized by the news coverage. The right questions are being asked, but the guests on the news shows are not experts on bullying and they have not fully answered the questions. Perhaps, they would if given more time. However, one psychologist interviewed minimized the bullying by saying that "people are bullied all the time and they don’t shoot anyone." The fact is some victims have killed others. I have met victims who are thinking abut retaliating. I even represent one, as an expert, in a criminal case. He was bullied for two years in high school and then retaliated with a baseball bat. He’s a great guy with a good heart that was pushed too far by the bully. He wasn’t mentally ill, but he retaliated. Approximately 75% of the all school shootings in our country have been victims of bullying who retaliated. It may not always be the main factor or the only factor, but it is often a contributing factor that and must not be minimized. The fact that this boy was bullied must not continue to be minimized. I believe that there is a possibility that bullying contributed to his state of mind. It is pretty obvious that he was ill. Perhaps bullying enhanced his illness and pushed him over the edge. People who are paranoid don’t always kill others. Students who are withdrawn, quite, and shy like him (with or without mental are often viewed as easy targets for mistreatment/cruelty. He could have been like many other college students and high school students I have met. They have a long history of mistreatment. Sometimes they are bullied for several years, from the elementary grades through high school, and sometimes even in college. Even if he wasn’t bullied in college, the fact that he was unstable and perhaps had faced years of rejection, may have magnified any form of rejection or degrading while he was in college. I feel the bullying he experience may have helped create a mix of toxic emotions and thoughts that pushed him over the edge.
Seung-Hui Cho should not have done what he did. My heart aches for those who lost loved ones. I know what it is like to lose a child. It is the worse pain in the world. I also understand the anger of the families and students. Some are angry now because the video developed by the Seung-Hui Cho portrayed him as a victim. But, we must look past our anger and examine every potential contributing factor to this shooting. We must to do what we can to rid our society of ALL contributing factors. Too many times, we end up focusing on the symptoms of the problem, rather than the root of the problem. It is easy to focus on improving ways to help people with his sickness, getting them to admit they need help, on gun control, on violence in the media, or on mistakes made by the professionals, etc. The fact is, we must not become so focused on some possible causes that we are not seeing the reality of the other possible contributing factors.
In the face of violence and death, it is difficult to discuss how the cruelty of others may have contributed to the event. Sometimes it is viewed as crossing the line of sensitivity to explore that possibility – it would make his peers feel guilty. The truth is, bullying is destructive to the well being of individuals and creates unsafe environments. It must stop. If we don’t examine all possible contributing factors, tragedy (suicides and shootings) will continue to happen on our campuses.
The answer is the Golden Rule – treat others the way you want to be treated. That’s pretty simple, but we humans sometimes ignore it. Even as an adult, I have not always treated people the way I wanted to be treated and I regret and hate every one of those moments. School violence isn’t necessarily an access to guns problem, a clear backpack problem, a mental-detector problem, a law enforcement problem, a discipline problem, or violence in the media problem, it is a heart problem. Changing hearts takes systematic on-going efforts and lots of hard work. The guns and violence in the media did not cause Seung-Hui Cho’s apparent hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, hate, rage, or desire for revenge. It’s a well know fact, and I witness it all the time, that victims of bullying often start engaging in dangerous and violent activities to fly away from the mistreatment. These violent activities are viewed by them as "acceptable" ways to release the pain and hurt from the mistreatment and lack of value, and even "acceptable" ways to retaliate. When victims start thinking about revenge, the violence in the media gives them ideas for carrying out the revenge. Then, the violent media sometimes becomes a training ground for the shooting. Then, they re-enact the violence they see in the media. When we observe this, we blame guns and violence in the media. So, if we get rid of the violence in the media, we think we are addressing the problem in a complete way, and we aren’t. The root of the problem is how people treat each other. Cruelty has got to stop. As I mentioned earlier, approximately 75% of all school shooters in our country have been victims of bullying and some victims are getting depressed, angry, self-mutilating, and committing suicide.
Why did he shoot innocence individuals?
Bullying creates a toxic shame in its victims. This shame creates a lack of self-trust – not trusting themselves to be able to cope with the mistreatment, creates tremendous anxiety regarding possible future mistreatment, creates a lack of trust in anyone being able to help them, and some victims of bullying get to the point they no longer trust life and the world to be good to them anymore. Therefore, they strike out at the world – killing and hurting anyone in that world – faculty, staff, students, anyone in that world. For example, some of the school shooters did not know who they had killed until they read it in the newspaper. This past year, several schools discovered students who were planning to blow up their schools because they were bullied – anyone in that world would have been killed. Sometimes victims have so much hurt and anger, that they become bullies. Many bullies are also victims. Hurt people sometimes hurt people.
I have met students who said they were thinking about revenge. I had to turn those students in to the appropriate officials. Some students, this very moment, are thinking about retaliation, but will not carry it out for various reasons. Some may. How many do we need? We can’t afford to have even one victim to retaliate. When they do, even the innocent are often hurt or killed.
What signs/symptoms of bullying do students and faculty need to be aware of?
Absence from school/classes.
Depression
Overwhelming anxiety
Eating disorders
Overly sensitive to guidance or criticism
Loss of appetite
Trouble sleeping and Nightmares
Withdrawing from favorite activities
Drop in grades
Unexplained injuries
And more . . .
What signs/symptoms
Seek to have power and control over others by hurting (physical or psychological)
Lack of empathy and sensitive
May be a victim of abuse/bullying
Cruelty to animals
Get exited when others are in conflict
Cool with they are in conflict
Disrespectful
Blames others – never their fault
And more . . .
If a student or faculty member thinks they know someone who is being bullied, what steps should they take?
In the private and public schools, they need to tell a trusted adult. In college, they should report it to the appropriate authorities such as the security department. Such reporting may be done anonymously. All such reports should be investigated – even rumors. Reporting is different from ratting on someone. When students report bullying, they are trying to help someone who is in trouble. They are doing what a good human being should do. They made be saving a life: the victim, the bully, or those innocence individuals in the world he/she no longer trusts.
Do you believe that the majority of the damage bullying causes happens when a child is younger?
Bullying can be traumatic for some students at any age. We have evidence that persistent mistreatment like bullying can cause Post Traumatic Stress. Students I have worked with try to cope and accommodate the mistreatment much the say way as an individual who has been sexually abused. That is how hurtful bullying can be at any age. Bullying is peer abuse. People do respond to trauma in different ways, although there are some similarities. Bullying starts as early as the preschool years. Young minds can be tender and their view of life can get pretty dark at an early age. We are seeing more and more elementary children who are depressed. If a child is bullied up to fifth grade, there is a 30% chance he/she will be bullied for five more years. That would put a student in his/her Freshman or Sophomore year of high school – the age of many school shooters. Sometimes, their retaliation may be delayed – hoping that college will be different. When it is different, tragedy may strike.
I have met 12 students this year who have tried to kill themselves because of bullying. Many of them have been middle school students. Some students have killed themselves. When I speak to adults I show pictures of 33 students who killed themselves because of bullying. I have met fifth and eighth graders who tell me their hearts can’t take it anymore and they go home everyday feeling like their hearts have been ripped out of their chest. I have met several middle school and high school students are self-mutilating because of it. Some individuals aren’t bullied until they are in high school – the Littleton boys are examples. Depending what else is going on in the life of the individual, bullying can be very traumatic at any age – spouse abuse is an example of that fact.
Can you image what it would be like to be treated cruelly everyday, for years. By the time some students get to the university, they are a wreck. I have talked to college students who are still trying to deal with their experiences with bullying. They still feel defective and even deserving of the mistreatment. Those who mistreat them convince them they deserve to be abused. They still lack self-confidence and have poor self-esteem. Many times these continue through the adult years and cause problems in their personal and work relationships. You have no sense of value or worth. You eventually feel helpless, then hopeless. When you don’t have hope things are going to get better, you don’t have much.
Too many adults underestimate the destructiveness of bullying and minimize the impact it has on school safety. We need to wake-up and get serious about this problem that is destroying lives and creating unsafe campuses.
Some individuals are fooling themselves by thinking it doesn’t happen at the university level. It is also a mistake to keep it a secret. Some students graduate from high school hoping the cruelty is behind them. But bullies go to college and many students who have good hearts do not seek to treat others they way they want to be treated. They don’t clearly see the pain caused by their behavior. There can be many opportunities at a university for social rejection, gossiping, lying about someone, stealing from someone, manipulation of relationships, and even physical, psychological, and verbal harm. To prove my point, a current hot topic throughout the world is "bullies in the workplace." Bullies grow up and abuse their co-workers, spouse, children and even their pets.
What steps can be taken to prevent violent behavior when the child grows older?
Preventing violence starts in the home. Then our educational system must systematic implement anti-bullying programs on their campuses. This requires a willing to understand the problem, be educated about the problem and implement prevention and intervention strategies.
The journey of mistreatment and violence starts in the home. The parents are the first teachers of a child. They have the first opportunity to share their minds and hearts. Too many students today lack self-control because they have not been disciplined by their parents. As early as 2 and 3 years old, children not only need to be redirected, they also need to experience consequences for inappropriate behavior. In addition, some children may have been taught the Golden Rule, but they have not made it a conviction –letting it control their attitudes, thoughts, and actions. Today, we have too many individuals who lack empathy and sensitivity toward others. They verbalize their belief in the Golden Rule, but you don’t see it consistently in their lives.
Also, parents need to realize the importance of developing the spiritual dimension of their children and to provide direct instruction regarding what is right and what is wrong. It is my personal opinion that everyone needs Jesus Christ. He is the answer to healing and changing hearts.
Do you have anything else to add that students and faculty should be aware of?
If you are being bullied or you know someone who is bullied, report it to the appropriate officials. If action is not taken, report it again to someone else. Document everything: who, what, when and where, and witnesses, then report it. If you are mistreating others stop it. You may push them too far – because they have been bullied for years and/or because they are also mentally ill. Grow up. Stop mistreating others. The fact is no one deserves to be mistreated. Even individuals who irritate you or provoke you do not deserve to be mistreated. The Golden Rule doesn’t say treat others the way you want to be treated, if they don’t irritate you.
If you are encouraging it by giving the bully an audience or by laughing, stop it. Grow up. Be the good person you were designed to be. Don’t let others control your good heart.
Bullying occurs on all campuses (elementary, middle, high school and college) and needs to be addressed. There must be open communication about its existence. Then, there must be a systematic effort to rid campuses of the problem. It happens on all campuses. We know where the high-risk areas are. It takes a campus-wide effort to stop bullying. That means all school personnel and students need to make a commitment to preventing it, stopping it, and reporting it. This will take training, planning, and resources. But, it is something that we can not afford to ignore or minimize. If we do, I predict more shootings, probably at the university level. It just takes one example of violence to set the stage for more.
It is also time to "wake-up." When we mistreat others we are being destructive to a human life and we may be putting lives at-risk – even our own. Our society seems to be devaluing human life. If that continues, we can expect more cruelty, more sickness, more suicides, and more shootings.
What steps have you taken to help raise awareness about and decrease the level of bullying?